On Depression

I have lived with depression most of my life. It’s not something I like to admit and to be honest, this is something I have been deeply ashamed of for most of my life. After all, what is so wrong with my life that I can’t just find the joy in it?

I can’t actually remember a time where I didn’t feel like something was wrong with me. There have been ups and downs throughout the years, but they were mostly downs if I’m being honest with myself. I have whole years missing that I cannot remember for the life of me. And I’m not talking about early childhood years that most of us can only remember vague things. I’m talking about recent times, like three or four years ago. It’s all just a grey haze of nothingness. For years, I suffered in silence, my few attempts at reaching out for help were futile. It got to the point where I was going to do something stupid.

There is a reason why I’m bringing all of this up, so I’ll get right to the point. I was given some of the best advice I hope I can incorporate into my life: You don’t have to accept it. You don’t have to just give into the depression and accept that this is the ‘normal’ for you. You deserve to experience happiness. You deserve to exist. You don’t have to suffer in silence.

I’m with you. 

And so it begins…

As of this afternoon, I am an officially published author. Currently, I’m not entirely sure how to feel about this new development. I mean, I’m happy because I’ve wanted to write and get published since I was a child but I’m also terrified at the same time.

I had been pushing off the release date for a while now because the thought of finishing my book caused me anxiety. Butterflies had been (and they’re still at it as I write this post) assaulting my innards for the last several hours but I knew I had to do it. So, I ripped off the band aid and submitted the book. It is now available on Amazon in eBook format and paperback (feel free to head over and purchase a copy of my book if you’re interested).

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A Journey (Still in Progress) is a poetry book that details my experiences of surviving life with severe depression that had-until recently-been completely untreated (and it was—and is a very bad idea to let it go as far as I had). I didn’t write for over two years when it’s something that I love and feel passion for.

I’m going to just take a quick moment to say that if you are dealing with a mental illness, please keep it in check. It doesn’t make you crazy just because you can’t feel happy all of the time or because your brain doesn’t produce chemicals you need. It had affected every single aspect of my life and I almost lost that uphill battle. Please take care of yourselves because you do matter. I just wanted to mention that in the event that anyone needed to be reminded.

Speculation

Sometimes I wonder if they know
Know that behind this false exterior,
That thin eggshell-like protection of mine
Not even worth your time cracking,
There is a girl fighting
Struggling against herself
A girl wanting to live
Die
It’s all the same

Sometimes I wonder if they see
See the tears I am so desperate to hide
Ones I must lie about.
No option.
No other way.
I don’t want the questions

Sometimes I wonder if they can hear
Hear the screams locked up in my head
Forever echoing
Ringing in my ears
Hear them
Listen
Listen
LISTEN!
So you hear them?
No you don’t.
Of course not.

Sometimes I wonder if they know
It
She
Her
Me
This girl
She is me

They will only see what they will
But I want to know
Am I,
This girl,
Am I worth fighting for?

-Dominica Bolden